Like many single women out there, I'm looking for that perfect guy. He's the one that will mow the lawn and do home repairs, he'll cook breakfast for me, give me sexy back rubs, never ever lie to me, hold me when I'm sad, laugh with me when I'm happy, and fuck me every which way every night, every morning and many times in between.
I compare my ideal mate to my ideal ice cream, which happens to be Haagen Daaz Chocolate, Chocolate Chip. He's just got to have everything. Be smooth and chunky and sweet and creamy, be filled with energy, and stick to my hips.
So, am I being too picky? Maybe just maybe this is why a smart, successful (and dare I say beautiful) woman like me is single. Does this Mr. C.C. Chip even exist?
I've dated many wonderful men over the years, but none of them have been exactly what I'm looking for. There has always been something missing.
When I started ruminating on my past relationships and why none of them have lasted, I came up with a hypothesis I call The Four Levels of Attraction.
The Four Levels of Attraction are as follows: Sexual, Physical, Mental, and Emotional.
The hypothesis says that if there isn't a mutual attraction between two people on ALL FOUR of these levels, then the relationship is unlikely to survive and if it does survive, it's unlikely to be satisfying.
Let's evaluate some of the men who've crossed my path:
Meet Mike
Mike was a blue-collar boy from a small town. He was good with his hands in many ways. He was incredibly sexy with beautiful brown eyes, black hair, an attractive body and what I like to call a "perfect penis." We had fabulous sex. He said he loved me and wanted me to move to his little town and get married and make a beautiful family together, and I was tempted. But Mike and I couldn't carry a conversation on any level. He talked cars and tractors and football and I talked travel and literature and world politics. He just didn't intellectually stimulate me.
Mike's score? 3
He had it: Physical, Emotional, Sexual
He was missing: Intellectual
Meet Trevor
Trevor was a sexy, brilliant man. And a fireman too! He was my neighbor and I spent many hours mooning over him as he climbed in and out of his fire truck in our parking lot. Finally a glorious thing happened, we had a kitchen fire! Instead of calling 911 I ran to his door. From the day he rescued me forward, he treated me well. He was as cute as anyone could ask for, and was smart enough to carry on a titillating conversation. The problem? The sex was only so-so. The kind of sex you have with the lights off, in the same position, once a day if that (no, that's not enough for me).
Trevor's score? 3
He had it: Physical, Emotional, Intellectual
He was missing: Sexual
Meet Andre
Andre was a football player, and one of the sexiest men I've ever dated in my life. His body was chiseled stone, his skin a gorgeous ebony that contrasted with my peaches and cream. We had amazing sex in every location imaginable. In his Cadillac, in the field next to the hiking trails, in the bathroom at the bar, on his mom's bed. He made me come and come again. The problem? He wasn't emotionally available to me, it was just sex. And we never talked, we just fucked.
Andre's score? 2
He had it: Physical, Sexual
He was missing: Emotional, Intellectual
Meet Victor
I dated Victor for a year and a half; he was undoubtedly the best lover I've ever had. We spent days at a time having sex in every imaginable position, with toys, and in all possible orifices. We hardly took time to eat or sleep and I lost eight pounds in one month on the "come and fuck diet" (another column maybe?). He was also one of the smartest men I've ever met. Our banter was lively and intellectual. I found him highly attractive with toasted brown skin, full black hair, and strong features. The main missing ingredient was the emotional attraction. I was head over heels emotionally attracted to him, I wanted so badly for him to love me. But his response to me over and over again in many different ways was that I was "unloveable" and that was that.
Victor's score? 3
He had it: Sexual, Intellectual, Physical
He was missing: Emotional
Meet David
David was emotionally available and promised me the world. He was smart and well traveled. He had a great job and was stable. He even had a gorgeous penis. And we had intense sex. The problem? I wasn't physically attracted to him at all. I didn't like his scent, I didn't like his body, his hair, and nothing about him (except his penis) turned me on. Some women may ask how I can sleep with someone I'm not attracted to. My answer is, I was attracted to him on 3 of the 4 levels, it was just the physical attraction that was the deal breaker.
David' Score? 3
He had it: Sexual, Emotional, Intellectual
He was missing: Physical
Meet Marvin
Marvin was short and fat and half my age. He smelled of onion and patchouli oil. He wasn't very bright. He asked me out, I said no. He asked me out again, I said no again. He asked me out three more times and I said no three more times. And no, we didn't have sex.
Marvin's Score? 0
He had it:
He was missing: Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Intellectual
I will continue to test my hypothesis as I cross more men off of my "possibly perfect guy" list. In some ways, I worry that I may never find my ideal man, that he likely doesn't exist (much like the way that they discontinued Haagen Daaz Chocolate Chocolate Chip ice cream, oh yes they did!). But then again it's better to not be in a relationship at all than to be in one that leaves you hungry for something else or for something more.
Is this My Guy? Mr. CC Chip?
Originally Published August 2005 - "Sultry Sexy Summer"